Dread and dark delight

When I sat down at my computer at 7:30 this morning to begin drawing a kitchen in AutoCAD, I knew that I would finish two projects, start another, then end my designer day with another drawing of the crow. His pinion feathers overlap the frame of my monitor, so he's been lurking in my peripheral vision while I've been at the computer for the past three days. The compulsion to draw him with controlled violence is there all day, along with the dread that all I'll do is just lose control and scribble incoherent black furrows into the paper until I break the pencil or hurl it across the room in rage and frustration. But then I get down to it, and I walk that jumpy line between skilled delineation and wildly thrashing energy, and the experience is at once full of stress and a dark delight. When I'm done, the release is only a momentary sensation. I'm going to do it again tomorrow. And I'm already dreading it.