Five more studies: May 16-17, 2020

Doing a sketch now and then is different from making a sustained effort. The excuse of having other responsibilities to fulfill is true but not at the core of avoidance. Fear of disappointment is hard for me to drive away, and recognizing that I'm afraid of failure or mediocrity triggers anger, and under that, shame. I ask myself if I'm just another hungry ego. I hope I'm motivated by something better than that.

Easy to get tangled up in these inner conflicts and just end up wasting irreplaceable hours, days, years. So I went out again after dinner yesterday. Then on my bicycle early this morning, sketchbook and pencils tucked into my backpack. In the grass beside mostly quiet roads. The occasional passers by, on bicycles or in pickup trucks, slow down and ask me if I need help. I definitely need help, but of course I don't say that. Later sitting on the patio back home before lunch as sprinkles of rain begin to fall.

Trying to understand what I want to do, trying to find my way back. Maybe by doing more of it, clarity will emerge.

early evening, Kinderhook Roadelusive moments before dusksunday morning, Bridge Valley Roadroadside dandelionslooking up from the patio